well, its 1:30am, i cant sleep cause im too upset at the moment, or depressed whatever. my beautiful rat Pepper had to be put to sleep on Tuesday, she was an old rattie and started to deteriorate very fast in the last 2 weeks of her life. she got very weak, she couldnt clean herself or feed herself she had no strength in her limbs and couldnt grab food or hold onto anything much. so she wasnt doing well at all and it just got worse by the day.

never an easy decision to make. im pretty torn up about it, im having quite a lot of difficulty dealing with it too, compared to the many other loved pets ive had, its just very different this time and im not sure why, i dont seem to be able to handle it at all, im just a complete mess at the moment. i cried a lot the day it happened then i kind of blocked up and just couldnt cry for a while, then id cry at night. and im pretty anti social normally but now i just dont want to see anyone or be around anyone at all, unless i have to like at work or whatever.

just now i was putting clean sheets on my bed and my own shadow scared me and i just stopped and pretty much collapsed on the floor in tears. i guess it could be because i had to give her away when i started my new job but i think its more she was with me through pretty damn hard times and she was my girl. my baby girl. i miss her so much. i got her not long after moving away from home and to another state. she was always with me whenever i was home she was attached to me some how. sleeping next to me while i was sitting on my comp or running around the lounge room while i watched tv, jumping up to visit every now and then and stealing my food of course, sitting on my shoulder while i cooked food and did dishes, and sat on my shoulder while i got ready for work in the mornings, she was just always with me, i guess im one of those people who would be physically attached to their pet if i was any closer to her. i just feel so empty without her. it makes me really fucking lonely. sigh, crying writing this, though i guess thats expected.

i know it was the right thing to do for her, and i hope shes happy where ever she is now and i miss her terribly and it hurts

rest in peace my gorgeous girl. i love you.